you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
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By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
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At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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