she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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