My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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