I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Who wears a wallet chain?!
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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