woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
