I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
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Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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