I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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