if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
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Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
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I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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