They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
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She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
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if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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