You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
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I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
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Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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