Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
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After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
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Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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