every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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