Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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