never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
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You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
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It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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