just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
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I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
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My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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