my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
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And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
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Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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