I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize