Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
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At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
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Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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