why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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