He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
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i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
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Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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