I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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