So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
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I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
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As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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