My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Are we still banned from the library?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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