well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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