Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize