I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
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I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
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Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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