i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
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Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
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Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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