ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
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I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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