What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
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I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
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A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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