I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
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I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
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Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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