Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
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Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
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I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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