I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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