I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize