When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
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I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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