i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
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Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
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I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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