and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Hippo gnu deer
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I could fuck to npr.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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