Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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