You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize