I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
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I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
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Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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