I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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