got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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