so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two words: blizzard sex
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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