just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
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Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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