I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
