i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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