I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
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Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
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I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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