genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
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