i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
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i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
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Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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