final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
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I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Mom said you looked used
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
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Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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