we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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